So here goes, i am going to tell you everything.
From the moment i can remember, all my life has been a house full of arguing people. i didn’t really get it at first of course, i was only about 6, but i knew something was wrong. i remember a specific couple of days where i was just upset and i didn’t know the reason behind it all. one day, i had gone to a party at a local play area thing and come home to dinner dripping off the wall from where my mum had thrown her full plate against the wall. another time, my sister had thrown her dinner onto the floor after a huge argument at the kitchen table. she had then taken me into the lounge and told me how much she loved me and that this wasn’t my fault. she then took off to stay with my other sister and Nan. My other sister had argued with my mum from early teens and she had eventually kicked her out of the house and so she moved in with my Nan. Of course it wasn’t until much later that i found out what was actually wrong with my mum. She was an alchoholic.
she wasn’t drunk all the time, but it used to be much worse then. i blame myself because most of my family believe it came on due to post natal depression. i hate her when she is drunk, and this year was the first in many that she actually spent her birthday sober. the program she is on at the moment has helped a lot. she’s been sober for a fair few months, but i know it can’t last forever. she will relapse eventually but hopefully i won’t be home to take the full blown impact of it. I love my mother, and i always will, but i can’t keep putting up with this hell, getting suspicious at every slur. there are times i get so paranoid she may just be a little overly curious about school or my boyfriend and i’ll be checking all the regular hiding places. its come to the point where i don’t expect her to remember my birthday or Christmas because she is stoned.
So there it is. my biggest fear. the thing that gets me down. the thing i tell people just so they can forget and blame my depression on other things. Right now, i’m felling low for absolutely no reason, but i know this is the first initial cause of my fall and i know that these relapses wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for these events. I’m sorry if i bore you but…this is my life.
Thank-You.
